Post on October 2, 2026:


I have some principles to talk about that I believe are true, and I believe they lead to some thoughts that may be helpful to a person in a specific situation.

If the situation does not describe you, this wasn't written for you, but it may still be of value; the principles are pretty universal, and you may find it beneficial to understand a little more about what it might be like in somebody else's shoes.

The specific situation is:

a) Being Christian,
b) Being exclusively attracted to the same sex, and
c) Believing that God's laws are more important than lusts.




Principle #1: The law of chastity is important.

Of course try to do everything right.  Try to follow God with devoted exactness.  That's what we came to Earth to learn how to do.

If you mess up, then go through the process to fully repent, accept God's forgiveness, and return to the effort of trying your best.

I highly recommend avoiding any situations that have a pattern of becoming temptations for you.  Some will be obvious.  (I had to install an ad-blocker because banner ads were toxic to me.)  Others may be subtle, or may be dangers to you and not to everybody.

This is one of the reasons it's important not to judge each other.

Kissing a person you're in love with that God says you're not allowed to marry may be a source of temptations, or it may be a way of expressing unconditional love, or it may be both.  The same goes for living together.  Don't decide based on what you've seen other people do.  Pray for advice, and decide what is a good idea for you.




Principle #2: Romance is not the same thing as sex.

I know, right?  Love and lust are not the same thing?  Shocker!

However, the culture I grew up in (I was born in the United States in 1983) often treats them as interchangeable.  This is an attitude that does great harm, in two ways.


First:

Love is never wrong.  Even romantic love.  Even for someone you can't marry.  I have never seen a scripture that condemns love.  Quite the reverse.

It may be unwise for most people to deliberately form a romantic attachment to someone they can't marry, but even then, I don't think that's universal.  There may be cases where having a romantic nonsexual life partner is a source of great joy.

That may be what a best friend is.


Second:

God instituted marriage as both a romantic and sexual relationship.  Equating romantic love with sex makes it very easy for a married couple to neglect one of those vital components of their relationship.

Two very common circumstances are the wife putting too much emphasis on romance and not nearly enough on sex, or the husband putting too much emphasis on sex and not nearly enough on romance.

Ideally, those two important aspects of marriage should be in balance and equally cared for.

If you are married, and you are the low-desire spouse in either of those areas in your relationship, I recommend that you initiate more often.  Your spouse will almost certainly appreciate it, and it will make your marriage stronger.




Principle #3: Start a relationship the way you want to continue it.

All relationships.

Be open, upfront, honest, and realistic.  Be polite and gentle, too.  Invite the same candor and kindness from the other person.  If they say something you don't like, respond with appreciation for the respect they showed you by listening to you and expressing their own feelings in return.

You probably don't want to be in a relationship with someone you can't be entirely honest with.

So start with the best foundation.



Principle #4: If you want to be married, you're capable of it.

Almost by definition.  Devoted commitment is the key factor that makes marriage work.  You have complete control over your own.  You don't have control over your spouse's.  Choose your spouse wisely.

It doesn't matter if the love you feel is platonic.  Platonic love is a perfectly good foundation to build a healthy, stable marriage upon.  Romantic love is ideal, but there's nothing wrong with platonic love if that's all you have to offer.

It does matter if you think platonic love isn't enough.

If you don't want to be married, don't do it.

Sometimes people get married because they think being in a sexual relationship will make them sexually attracted to their spouse.  Don't.

Sometimes people get married because they want to have children, and they see their spouse primarily as a means to that end.  Don't.

First of all, infertility can happen; and second, you should never promise to love someone because you want to love someone else.

Enjoyable sex and wonderful children are both good hopes to have, but they aren't guaranteed.  What is guaranteed is your spouse.  That is just as true for people who are attracted to the opposite sex.

Only marry someone you want to love deeply for all eternity.





Here are two possible conversations that may come up for a person who agrees with these principles, and who doesn't know what to say to start a relationship they're looking for.  You may use these if you find them helpful.  I recommend saying things in your own words.



In the circumstance of looking for a romantic nonsexual life partner:

Hey.  I need to talk to you about something.

I'm gay.  And I have a crush on you.  I want to ask you out on a date, but before I do, let me state clearly what I'm looking for long-term.

I'm not interested in breaking the law of chastity.  I never have, and I never will.  I'm not looking for a sexual relationship.  What I want is a romantic relationship that is nonsexual.  Ideally, I'd like to find a committed life partner who will love me for my whole life and always be with me.

This may involve kissing, or it may not.  This may involve living together, or it may not.  Those seem like decisions that should be made together, based on what seems appropriate at the time.

What I want for sure is to always live in close enough proximity that we see each other daily, and to share many physical expressions of love that are appropriate for every relationship.  I want to hold hands, to hug, and to cuddle.  I probably want to be kissed on the cheek and the hand.  These specifics are negotiable, but I want it to feel romantic to me.

Ideally, I would prefer to have an exclusive romantic relationship, with neither of us dating anyone else or marrying.  Because of that, I'm probably looking for someone who also feels that marriage isn't in the cards for them in mortality.

Someday, after the resurrection, I would like for both of us to be able to marry a member of the opposite sex, and to feel comfortable telling that person, "I've always been faithful to you, and I learned how to love you because of my relationship with my partner."  At that time, I hope we will still be very precious friends, and will keep our love for each other for eternity.

Obviously you don't have to make a decision about whether you want a long-term relationship with me right now.  I just want you to know that's what I'm looking for someday.

Would you be interested in going on a date with me?

If the answer is no:

Okay.  I will try to turn this romantic love into platonic love.  No matter what, I value your friendship.  Please let me know if you meet someone you think might be a good fit for me.

If the answer is yes:

Yay!  Can I hold your hand?



In the circumstance of dating a member of the opposite sex for long enough that it feels like it's the correct timing:

Hey.  I want to talk to you about something.

I'm gay.  I'm also interested in you.  I hope you take that as a compliment, because it is one.  It shows how incredibly lovable you are.

I think we're in a relationship that could lead towards marriage, so I want to talk to you about some specifics regarding my orientation, so you can decide if you want to keep moving forward.

First: I've never broken the law of chastity, and I never will.  I've made that promise to God, and I will keep it.

Second: If we get married, I promise not to leave you, and I promise to stay faithful to you.  I will only get engaged to you if I'm certain I can keep that promise.  If I'm not a hundred percent certain yet, I'll tell you I need more time to think about it.  I'm currently in the stage of, "I'm pretty sure, but not completely, so I need more time in this relationship to decide."

Third: I am not currently in love with you.  What I feel for you is a very strong platonic love, akin to, "This is my best buddy."  I feel like you're someone I can feel comfortable sharing my life with.  That's not the same thing as being in love with you.  I don't know if I ever will have romantic feelings towards you, but I love you, and that's enough for me.

Fourth: I am not currently sexually attracted to you, and I don't know if I ever will be.  If we get engaged, I will start trying to encourage myself to develop a sexual desire towards you.  I don't know if it will work, or if my being sexually attracted to you will ever happen in mortality.

Fifth: If we get married, I promise to honor your sex drive and seek to satisfy it to the best of my ability.  I hope you will also honor my sex drive and seek to satisfy it to the best of your ability.

Sixth: Please don't expect that marrying me will change my orientation.  It probably won't, and expecting that it will would put too much pressure on me.  If you can accept me for who I am, without any expectation of things changing, we may be pleasantly surprised someday.  I'm open to the idea and hopeful that it could happen.  I'm willing to accept it if it doesn't.  I want you to have the same attitude, because it's important that we be on the same page about this.

Is there anything you have questions about?

After questions are answered in as much detail as the other person desires, with complete openness, regardless of how awkward such questions might be:

Do you want to continue moving forward in a relationship with me?

If the answer is no:

Okay.  Then we should break up.  Thank you for listening to me.

If the answer is yes:

Yay!  Is there anything about you that you want me to know?




About the Author


Hi!  I'm Emily Martha Sorensen!  I have a wonderful husband, seven kids who are often a handful, a madcap eccentric swarm of characters in my head, and I'm a devout Christian who always prioritizes loving God and loving my neighbor.

I write fantasy and science fiction that is full of whimsy.

I write clever characters who charge straight through my plot and spend it spinning wildly off the rails.  (Those brats.)

I write magic systems with strict rules and surprising limitations.

I write plot twists that will make your jaw drop.

I write romance after the happily-ever-after.  That's where the relationship starts!

I write darkness that exists only to help characters grow towards greater light.

I write —

Wait, where did those uncooperative protagonists put the plot this time?  They just ran off with it, cackling maniacally!

Well, I hope they'll leave you grinning.



Can I write to you?


Sure!  If you want to talk to me about something (which does not involve buying your marketing services), fill out this form, and I'll probably reply fairly soonish.  :)                      
If you enjoy any stories I've told, I'll be thrilled to hear from you!  I love hearing from people.  ^_^